Hesitation. I have mastered hesitation. I hesitate every time I'm sitting at the drive thru- even though I already know what I'm going to order. Hesitation before I boldly walk up to him to say hi knowing I'm too awkward to say anything else. I then find a reason to leave because I will hesitate doing anything but leaving the situation. I Hesitate before I sing hymns in church just to make sure everyone else is singing so I wasn't the only one suffering through the monotone mumbles of the congregation.there is a hesitation before I do something brave- because I know the possibility and the reality of failure. I hesitate before jumping into the icy lake knowing the consequences. My toes stretch to touch the top of the water then I decide its not worth it. Hesitation before I try something new. Something new that might damage my pride and leave me vulnerable. Something new that leaves me broken and lost.Hesitation before being honest. i don't want to hesitate, i just do. Being honest with you is hard not because I'm a liar but because sometimes I'm not a fan of reality. Because sometimes reality hurts and tears people apart. Hesitation. Doubts. Unsurities . And Insecurities. These are real. Real because they make us human. They make us who we are. And this I who I am- even though I strive to not be hesitant. Evan let me be honest, bold, and brave. I hesitate to let go her, because Evan let me be someone who I wasn't. So Evan taught me this trick of being blunt and honest. So here it goes, kids. My name is Shaelie Wood and I am behind the bold curtain of Evan Lindstrom.
Why do we feel that it's not worth it? Not worth it because of failure. Guess what- it's worth it. Life is worth being honest to yourself. And life is worth being brave and bold. And Life is worth it because it could be gone within a matter of seconds. Thanks Evan.
This is the last post from Evan Lindstrom. Its been real...
For my last entry i want to do it for me- people may not relate or like this post. Here is a list of my childhood memories. Getting older is a rough life, graduating is exciting, yet depressing. so lets toast to growing up-- i hate you, love me :)
all stars soccer team
cousins club every friday night
french braids
junnie b jones
trampolines
skorts
razor scooter
alpine elementary
Disney Channel
Jr jazz
kholers kids day
I hated swimming lessons, but i loved going because of my attractive swimming teacher Jonathon Barlow.
talking into fans
tube socks with ruffels
arthur
polly pockets
gas station slushies
visors
throwing otter-pop wrappers underneath our trampoline in the ground.
monkey bars blisters
Crush on Matt Zwick 1st grade to 4th. Even though i was a foot taller than him.
I remember talking with God. Picking my mom out. I told God what I needed- but it was useless cause he already knew. I asked him to bless me with a mother of courage and strength. An angel that learns for her past and becomes more and more like you every day. A mother of gentleness and forgiveness. I remember telling him I really needed a patient mother, a mother to chase me up the stairs threatening to tickle me if I didn't do the dishes fast enough. I pleaded to have a mother of charity. A mother who was a mother to everyone. I remember asking god to give me a beautiful one. Because happiest ones are always the most beautiful. "God? I really need a mother who is understanding and comforting." I said. I remember God smiling back at me and saying, "sweet child, she is. I have prepared her well, and she's perfect." I asked for a mother that was the most like me. I wanted a mom that would be my best friend. I wanted a mother that I could trust- an honest mother that taught me and my sisters integrity. I want a mother that I want to be like. I am not ashamed, or disapointed in what god picked out for me. God chose a mother far beyond my expectations- I couldn't have made or chosen the mother I was thinking of. Only god could. God knew what I needed even though I tried reminding him before I came here. He knew what I would face in this life and e he knew the perfect mother to accompany me.
As God looks down through the ceiling of our home he smiles and wraps his arm around his daughter, my beautiful mother and says. "Sweet child, I am proud of you. You are becoming the exact mother I intended for you." He smiles as he looks down and sees my mother wipe tears from her daughters cheeks when we are heartbroken. When her kids are giggling in the bathtub as she lathers are backs in baby soap. God smiles when we are singing around the piano praises of his name. He smiles when we have learned a lesson. He smiles when we come running when we smell her homeade wheat bread. He smiles when she burries our toes in the sand. God smiles when we embrace our mom in her arms and tell her thank you. Thank you for being you. He smiles because it only happens once in a while. My mother deserves everything and more. She will inherit heaven.
I love my mom more than I love homeade peach ice cream on sunburned lips. I love her more than I love dancing barefoot in wet grass. More than I love snowflakes on my eyelashes. I love her more than anything. God knew what mother I needed- and she's more than I ever imagined. Only a God could create mothers. And I hope to be a a fraction of what my mom is. I love you mom. I pray to God every night thanking him for blessing me with a mother like you.
I sat in my bed reading- waiting for my eyelids to get heavy enough to close. When I heard my dad's calm and comforting voice from downstairs. I ran downstairs to find it was just a voice memo on my moms iPhone of my dad telling one of his childhood stories to my little sisters as they dozed off. they couldn't fall asleep until they heard their daddy's voice and listened one of his exaggerated stories. I laid down beside them and listened too. there is nothing more that I love than one of his stories. I probably should have grown out of loving my dads humor along with his songs and stories by now. I secretly sit behind my little sister's door when hes home telling one of his classics. For he is in Mongolia tonight. and tomorrow he will be in Taiwan. And 2 weeks ago he was in Russia and France. He is doing his job and has the opportunity to travel to places hes always wanted to. when hes lucky, my mom will join him. but not tonight- because she has a job to do as well.
his voice is all I need to know he loves me. his warm hugs and smile. His eyes that glisten when he is trying not to laugh. his sincere and understanding heart. his head bobbing while he sings "come on Eileen". his squeaky shoes on the basketball court when he is running drills with us. his time he spends with each one of his daughters and date nights with mom. when he calls me to get up for school with his cheesy "up and at-um!". His creative and artistic skills when he colors during church with the four year old.
Tonight his voice put me to sleep and I pretended he was tucking me in like a taco like he used to when I was small. truth is even when he has to be gone- hes not really. he still calls and gives me advice and tells my mom he loves her more than anything. and when he gets home, its like he was never gone. He kisses my mom and wraps all of us girls in his arms. i never doubt his love. and i never doubt that he is the best dad in the world. When I heard my dads voice tonight, i realized that a voice is all i need. I can call a higher father along with my own dad. Not only does he love me like my dad- but he knows me better than I know myself. That father knows whats in store for me and what I need to be prepared for. but my dad is his sidekick keeping me in order and showing that I am loved. We all are. and I know that both my fathers are 100% aware of me. So i give a shout out to my dad in Mongolia tonight. Cause he is the best at what he does. See you in a week, I love you Dad!
**(don't worry mom, i am working on a dynamite mothers day post for you. ;)
This scene in the movie "500 Days of Summer" is one of my favorite scenes in this movie because the format and the way they portrayed Tom and his disappointment. It exposes Tom's expectations and thoughts. But also shows the reality of his relationship with Summer.
Expectations Ruin Reality.
I expected him to grab my shoulder and pull me in for a hug-
yet in reality i pretended not to see him.
i didnt want him to ruin my night--
i was done with being disappointed and hurt.
I expected her to call, she knew i was going through
rough patches, but i should have called cause so was she.
but in reality we were both self centered and we
both waited by the phone. helplessly.
I expected to get stickers or race car
in the bottom of my lucky charms. but in reality
I got jipped. not so Lucky after all.
I expected you to remember
cause i thought we were best friends
but in reality, that phrase "Best friends"
gets thrown around too much.
I expected my dad to come running
when I screamed because there was a spider in our kitchen,
but in reality he expected me to grow up
and smash it with my little sisters bright purple croc. by myself.
I expected that purple rubber croc to squish the spider
that croc let me down, the spider got away.
I knew i expected too much out of that
ugly pointless shoe. I'm embarrassed for my little sister.
I expected my mom to be disappointed and mad
when i came in long after curfew.
yet in reality she knew something was wrong
and wrapped me in her loving arms. she was there
for me and she always will be.
I expected my teacher to careless about me,
i expected her to be disappointed and embarrassed.
yet in reality she cared for me like one of her own daughters.
she gave me advice to be more confident-
she told me not to let others shoot me down,
she told me to realize how important i am.
I am far from perfect, so why do i think its okay for me to criticize everyone when they disappoint me? so that's the trick everybody. realize. realize that people will be disappointed in me because i won't live up to their expectations. but also realize that when you have little or no expectations you will be pleasantly surprised and happier. you will feel appreciation for the little things. when in reality are the big things.
Don't expect things from people if they cant expect the same from you. step it up- be better and expect less.
Shout out To the girl I feel honored to know, you are the closest thing to an angel. You dance when you walk and no one has the power or presence to take your smile away. Thank you for your great example- I want to be you because you want to be like Him.
S/O To the kid that hates eating in front of people and secretly wants to be a professional singer--Thank you for being honest. And telling me what I need to hear. Thanks for being my brother- I’m glad I don’t have to lose you like everyone else.
S/O To the Blondie that ran into my screen door—thanks for making me smile. You will always be my best friend no matter what comes next, don’t listen to the haters… they’re just jealous. Don’t let anyone take your light away. Thanks for dancing even when you feel like you can’t :) you are so positive and happy- but I know when you’re not okay, just know that I will always be here for you bud
S/O to the kid that used to be a tool—I am a fan of the new you. Thanks for being so genuine and aware. That late Sunday night when we laid on my hard kitchen floor laughing till it hurt- we should have been working but it was too late to be doing anything else but laughing. Thanks for showing me how a girl needs to be treated.
S/O To my cat. Thank you for living so long. Even though I joke about you dying- I don’t mean it…thanks for not listening. I should be more sensitive.
S/O To the hot and dangerous freckled little lady. Thank you for being real. You can look into my eyes and I feel like you are staring into my soul- I can’t hide anything from you. You have the talent of getting close to people. Thank you for loving people and having the desire to know them. You know them by their hearts, not just facts. Thank you for being you and being proud of it.
S/O To my baby friend who I don’t even call her by her real name. Thanks for being you. You have taught me to not be defined by the people who you are surrounded by, but to be defined by your desires and by your heart. Thanks for being so easy to talk to. I consider you as one of my best friends even though I am still getting to know you.
S/O To the eyes of a guy who stares at the floor. I feel honored to know the real you- the you that rarely gets exposed. You are one of the guys that I will miss the most- thank you for opening up to me. You make me feel so comfortable and so loved. Thank you- I needed it.
S/O To the deep and tender kid that used to run his fingers through my hair. Everything about you I have learned to appreciate and love. You manage to make everyone feel like a million bucks. Even though you are growing distant- I will always look up to you, and strive to find someone like you. Thank you.
S/O To my twin who is giggly and has the “same arm” as me…haha Thank you for loving me and my quirks. You are beautiful inside and out. You wear that golden necklace- because you are proud of your beliefs. Thank you for being so strong and honorable. You are one of the few that understand me, thank you. We walked down those shiny streets whispering about our lives and sharing secrets no one else knows. You are the most trustworthy person I know, thank you.
S/O To my second family. I love you guys, thank you for being so reliable. I know whenever I am having a hard day either at home or school I can come running. Thank you for being loving and accepting. I am sorry what your family has gone through this year and I am grateful that even through hard times- you haven’t changed. I’m sorry I am drifting lately- it’s for the better, its already hard enough.
S/O To the bullies at jr high that think my sister is a target. Thank you for letting me spend time with my little sister at home on Friday nights. You guys have opened my eyes to her. So… thank you?...
S/O To the 2 golden boys that sandwich me in their arms. Thank you for becoming my examples. You are both so genuine and thoughtful. Thanks for picking me up when I’m down and telling me to smile during sad dolphin movies. Thank you for being lights in this dark world, I love you both!
S/O To my basketball coach who taught me to “stick my hand in the cookie jar”. Thanks for always believing in me and showing me myself. I walked out of your office with tears in my eyes knowing I am loved and am aware of. Thank you for telling me what I need to hear. Thank you for seeing me through sincere and loving eyes. I appreciate how frank you are. Thank you.
S/O To little Em-- Your mom misses you and loves you so so much. I am sorry this had to happen to you. I feel honored to be one of the many women in your life that are making up for your mother. You are a saint and I love you dearly. I worry and cry for you often, thank you for your hugs and kisses on the forehead; you are a sweet little angel sent down for a lot of us. Thank you.
I’m worrying about how much sleep I will get tonight. I am
thinking of all the homework I have to get done by third period. What’s for
dinner? Am I free Saturday night? What am I going to wear on Tuesday? I am worrying
about Prom- even though it’s still a week away. I can’t wait to wear the dress
that makes me feel like a princess, but I know I’d rather wear leggings and a
big t shirt with my hair falling out of my pony tail. I know I’m going to be
wishing I was in sneakers. And I am going to be wishing I wasn’t strapped to my
date the whole night- I’m not really the mushy romantic type- id rather be
dancing with everyone like I didn’t have to impress. I wish I could just dance
and no one would judge me if I was uncoordinated. I can’t wait for my hair to
grow longer. I can’t wait for college. I think about packing up and moving-
even though I don’t have to until September. I hope I have enough money to go
through college. I can’t wait to graduate. Wait. What? Stop. Graduation is in a
month and I am going to be wishing high school had lasted longer. I am going to
be wishing I kissed more boys. I am going to be wishing I had time back on the
dance floor with my…”prince?”. I am going to regret staying mad at my sister
for taking my shirt to college. I am going to be wishing I spent more time with
my family. I am going to regret worrying about fitting in during high school. I
am going to wish I studied harder.
But you know what? During this post I have lived in the
future and the past. But not once I was happy about the present I was living
in. regrets make life miserable. They hold you back and won’t allow you to more
on and keep moving forward. Regrets are the things that keep you In the past. Yet
wishes are things of the future that are sometimes hard to control. Just let it
happen. Just let life happen without regrets and to learn to live in the
present. I realize that’s why high school went by so fast. I always had something
to look forward to- but I never lived in the present. I want to enjoy high
school and what’s left of it. I need to stop worrying about graduation and
college- and just focus on the time I have right now. Cause there’s not much of
it left.
He stands there like a king high on his throne looking down on the rest of us thinking he can go around shattering our esteem and crushing my heart. little does he know i cringe when he smiles. not because hes happy, but because I used to be- when he looked and noticed me. I realize I've been blind, but now i see. i just want to know, did it hurt him just as much as it hurt me? that king didn't really notice me- you did. it was you who cared and comforted. it was you who was at the bottom of the food chain. I should have listened to you. I was better for you- but you weren't better for me. I know I have to break your heart like he broke mine, but its not easy. its harder breaking than being broken.
I know you better than anyone else. it hurts more knowing it hurts you. the king made it look so easy- easy being heartless. but i'm not a king, I know how it feels to be under the stampede. please stop looking at me like I am a queen- I don't deserve it- knowing my on us views are unchanged.
"It seems only yesterday I used to believe there was nothing under my skin but light. If you cut me I could shine. But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life, I skin my knees. I bleed. "(Billy Collins)
#1 when i wrote the title i accidentley wrote congestion instead of confession... okay here we go, a
LIST OF CONFESSIONS (or quirks-- same thing)
(not even my mom knows about any of these...)
my dad makes better sandwiches than my mom- by far.
i pop my knuckles and bony toes before i climb into bed.
i am scared to read out loud in front of people
when i was little i would sneak play dough into my closet and eat it.
i still haven't washed the shirt i wore when we went our first and probably only date... its been 4 months. but i haven't wore it either.
i find big ears cute--- something that shouldn't be attractive but is.
i have to brush my teeth with warm water
I cried when i saw the car in front of me hit a deer.
I kissed your head when we were playing in the snow
i hate white bread
i am self conscious of my eyebrows
i think sneezing is the cutest thing.
i cried driving home that night when i lied to you that everything was okay. i cried because i didn't want you to know you were the cause.
my sister eats kit kats wrong... but i don't have the heart to tell her.
my collarbones hurt when i laugh too hard- wired huh? i probably have a disease or something.
when a situation gets awkward i tend to dance or wiggle.
i am a water snob. clean water doesn't always mean it tastes good.
the stranded, helpless, and forgotten.
this chair is only forgotten because everything around it is dead and barren.
the chair waits patiently for the blossoms to bloom to accompany him.
the chair is alone.
yet once the sun shines and the grass regains life- this chair will also regain life.
its not lonely anymore.
how often are we willing to patiently wait for others to change?
this chair is still bright blue and the paint seems fresh.
even with the cold, hard, dry ground.
the chair still stands.
nothing about the chair will change in the spring and summer- but its the surroundings that will.
this chair may seem more vibrant when the grass is greener...or the sun is brighter.
be patient and wait. be patient with your surroundings to become as bright as you are. don't allow the wind and rain to chip your paint.
The
most important word in the English language is not love.
It is remember.- Alice
C
What ever
happened to us being best friends? Remember the days when we could sit on my grandma’s
swings and talk forever. We were awkward children but never around each other. Steal
the flag and football were your favorite, I wasn’t good at them- but you made me
think so.
when you got nervous around adults and other girls you would rub your hands together- even though they were already sweaty enough.
remember when we thought we were so funny blowing into our elbows making farting noises? yeah that was funny. we peed our pants laughing.
you didnt need real friends back then- i was enough. when we were suppose to be sleeping we would sneak into the closet under the stairs and play video games. I hated video games- but you loved them.
we played crack the egg on the trampoline. you could always crack me. but you were uncrackable. not fair.
we would help your mom with her laundry because we could do anything together and it would still be fun- even if it was laundry.
those lemonade stands were always a fail. we would get bored and jump on our scooters instead.
when we got older you would tell me about the girls who you wished you had a chance with- except you were too scared to talk to them. you were too scared to talk to any girls... i didnt count.
you would dunk me under the icy water when we went to the lake. i wasnt strong enough to dunk you- but you would let me win.
remember being best friends? nothing mattered. we didnt care about anything.
youre different now. you are confident. you could get any girl in the whole school. you dont talk to me anymore. when people ask me about you I still say we are best friends.. but are we? i miss you and your old self that wasnt worried about what everyone thought. I miss telling you to not be so scared to talk to her- now you know how cool you are. i miss the humble kid. i want him back. i want my best friend back.
the kid who i am friends with right now isnt the same kid that was only funny around me... am i jealous? maybe. but not because im not your only friend anymore- but because the kid who everyone loves is not the kid who i loved.
i still love you the the moon and back- and i know you still love me.... but loving isnt the point. its REMEMBERING.
Everyone is vulnerable. I am
vulnerable. I choose to be susceptible to being wounded or hurt. I choose to be
weak. I've never really been hurt before- maybe because I don’t let it hurt me.
But I’m changing. I become someone else when I’m around you. I get scared- not
of you, just the thought of what we could become. And that scares me. Time also scares me. We only have
a little of it left, until you leave. You leave everything and I stay here
wondering what could have been… and waiting to find out. “Stop lying to yourself”-me
talking to myself. Nothing is going to happen in the future if something doesn't happen now. Either forget about him and move on… or find the courage to leap,
no turning back. No regrets. i will gain strength and power by becoming vulnerable.
Knowledge and experience is power. This is upside down…but only because I am
confused and trying to be someone I've never been before.
Running with the grass beneath palms of my feet. The moon
light is enough light in contrast to the thick darkness surrounding me. There is
always light above-even when it seems dim. I chase fireflies and put those
wishes in my jar. I can only see the
fireflies when I am unable to see anything else.
Those fireflies are my wishes. I only have those wishes when
I can’t see anything else. I am lost… so I wish.
I wish I was more confident. I wish I was smarter. I wish I wasn’t
so passive. I wish I wasn’t afraid to speak my mind- (with the exception of
this anonymous blog.)I wish I was able to get over my insecurities and enjoy
life, for everything that it is and what it has in store for me.
I wish YOU wouldnt forget how important you are and how much
you mean to me. I wish your pride wouldn’t get in the way of a happy life. I wish
you were brave enough to follow your hopes and goals.
That’s what these wishes should be---HOPES AND GOALS. Wishes
are only things that we are too scared to make happen, so we blame the faulty
stars, candles, and fireflies when they don’t come true. Blame yourself.
Empty your jar of
wishes and fill it with hopes.
I hope I am forgiving. I hope I am one of those people that
strangers look up to. I hope I’m one of those girls that walks into a room and
brings light and happiness with her. I hope I am trusting and worthy of your
trust. These are hopes. I am going to do something about it. Today.
“No!No!We dont say shut up in this family". We don’t
say stupid either. Or butt. Idiot.
brat. Fart. Dumb. Crap. Freakin flippin eff. oh and we don’t say pee
either.
Wow that really let my steam off.... my mom would be so disappointed in this
post.
i think my parents went a little over the top when they decided the words we
could and could not say in this family. I think my parent’s rules on language
are STUPID (I said it). But because they are so strict on language my family is
very good and knowing what to say- when to say it. We have complete control. That
word doesn’t just slip out unless you let it.
Rules are stupid- because we are stupid. I don’t appreciate rules until I know
why. And finding the why’s to rules happens through time and experience.
I have a fear of losing my hair. A fear of opening the Pillsbury
crescent rolls cans. I fear of a seagull pooping on my head. I have a fear of
being awkward. I have a fear of the “hobo living in my basement”. I fear lady
gaga. But these fears are dumb ones.They
don’t mean anything. Even though they are some of my fears- I don’t REALLY fear
them.
The only things that I truly am fearful towards are
permanent, heart wrenching, scaring, life changes. This is the kind of fear
that I haven’t yet experienced- but that’s why I am so afraid. I fear of waking
up one day finding out my dad passed away. I fear of receiving the news that
someone close to me committing suicide. I fear natural disasters that destroy
everything I have and everything that I am. I fear not being happy in life-
being disappointed in myself. I have a fear of being abused- and being trapped.
I have a fear of being betrayed. I am
afraid of losing things I take for granted .I am not really afraid of seagull poop and Lady gaGa when I think about everything
that COULD go wrong in my future.
I fell hard. When I hit rock bottom I looked up and saw
people who I wanted to be so I got up with them. Pretending to be strong. I looked
around to see if anyone saw me fall flat. Nope, coast is clear. No one knew I fell
except me. I still see those scabs, scars, and bruises even if no one else
does. The thing about scars is that each one on our body has a story behind it.
Those stories are reminders to never make the same mistakes. My neighbor played
with a rattle snake and got bit. He has a scar on his wrist. He learned from
that mistake and so did I. I need those bruises to remind me to guard myself of
dangerous situations and dangerous relationships. How do I know you won’t hurt me? Why do you deserve
my friendship? Why do you deserve my love? Why do you deserve my trust? But that’s
the beauty of it. I need Scabs. I need scars. And I need bruises because I need
to find out for myself who to trust with my heart. Scabs, scars, and bruises
are necessary for life- because we need to learn and progress.
In my head I pretend life is beautiful. In
my head I pretend I am beautiful. In my head I can do anything. But in reality
life isn’t really beautiful, and neither am I. I cant do anything.
Pretending and thinking differently than life really is- makes life
BEAUTIFUL. Even if you aren’t. You need to think that way- because you are.
You are beautiful.
You are loved.
You are talented.
You are courageous.
You are strong.
You are valiant.
You are extraordinary.
You are you, and you are beautiful.
But you are only these things when you think you are.
Don’t let your head or the world tell you otherwise.
You are your own worst critic.
I think my life is beautiful. And it is because I think so.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks except for you because you control
your own happiness. Let the freak go of everything. Don’t think about what
everyone is telling you to think. Stop being a prisoner. Steal the key and run.
Run away from doubts and fears. I think I am beautiful. And I think I have a
beautiful life- and so do you… so run to it….
Have I met you yet? Have we ever been in the same city at
one time? Or even lived in the same hometown, yet I still don’t know your name.
Timing is everything- time can either ruin or strengthen relationships. I haven’t
met you yet because it’s not the right time. I am counting the days until I meet
you. I pray for your safety and for your happiness. I dream of dancing in the
kitchen of our run down first apartment. I dream of getting into fights- but
resolving it with kisses and laughter, we won’t be able to go too long being
mad at each other. I dream of spying on
you as you put our little girls to bed- singing hushed lullabies as they doze
off. I dream of staining your work shirt with tears as you encompass me in your
arms because of my sorrows and despairs. I dream of our little slugger’s first t-ball
game with you and I in the stands with the blanket wrapped around us as we
cheer him on. I dream of us saving every extra nickel to travel the world. I dream
of covering your dinner in tin foil and setting it in the fridge until you got
home from a long day at work. I dream of being forty and still having tickle
fights with you. I dream you dancing your little princess at her wedding. I
dream of praying on the side of our bed holding your hands as we ask for
blessings and give thanks for everything we’ve been blessed with. But knowing
the blessing I’m most thankful for being in love with my best friend. And the wonderful life we live. I dream of
finding new reasons to love you every day. I dream of getting old with you and
still holding your hand as we drive across town.
I am dreaming of a stranger. But who knows, I could meet you
today or when I’m thirty. Our love will be far from perfect. But we love each
other and that’s all we need to make sure it works. I haven’t experienced being
in love- but dreaming isn’t a crime.
Some people say love is blind. But I believe its quite the
opposite. Love is visionary. I see something more real and deeper in that one
person. If you really love someone- you love them for their flaws and
imperfections. The difference between loving someone and being in love with
someone is night and day. “I don’t love you, but I always will”-Civil Wars. I
love you. But I am not in love with you. I see past your flaws- I love you for
who you are. Yet you will only accept the love you think you deserve. I will always love you, and nothing will ever
change that. I hate that you are blind. I hate that you don’t understand what
both you and I deserve. I hate you for loving me. And I hate myself for loving
you. But I always will and nothing will change that. I don’t love you because I
want you. I love you only because I know you and our friendship means everything to me.
Do you ever have dreams where you are the one watching
YOURSELF getting mauled by a bear or watching yourself kiss your crush in the
middle of a baseball diamond as rain drops landed on your eyelashes? Sometimes I
wish that in reality I could be the spectator or my own life. I wish I could be
the one both in the game and the spectator. Spectators see everything- they
have a completely different perspective than you do.
I have so many spectators in my life that have a different perspective
than I do, and I’m confused on whom to listen to…should I listen to myself? Or the
spectators who might see more than meet the eye? I have two different kinds of
spectators in my life. First crowd= they are the ones who are there for me. They
say what I want to hear. They might even be clueless to what’s going on in the
game- but they are very aware of me and what I want them to say. They are there
to support me. On the other hand the second crowd are the ones who are brutally
honest with me. They see every aspect of the game. They are the ones screaming
at me from the sidelines to open my eyes and keep them on the ball after a
lousy mistake. They are the ones who are fully invested in me and in the game. They
say what I NEED to hear, even if I don’t agree with them- their opinions are
what I need to value.
Even though I wish I could get a new perspective, be my own spectator,
and see all blindsides. It’s impossible. While I am in the game I only see out
of my own eyes, no one else’s. But I just have to remember there is an empire
in this game that is all knowing. The empire is the most important spectator of
all. He sees both sides of the field, he
knows black from white. He knows what’s coming in your future- he knows what
you need. All I have to do is focus on the purpose of this game and on Him.
There is one place that I am me. One place where I dont have to impress anyone. Only one place where I can take a break from the world. From reality. I lift the screen off my window, slide it under my bed. Twist the handle of my window until its open 45 degrees. I stradle the window and my barefeet come in contact with the stecco covered roof. I am free. I wrap my torn blanket around me and climb to the highest peak. No one can see me- but I can see everything. I climb and sit on my roof to take time to think, to get a new perspective. No one matters but me. My OWN thoughts and feelings are brought to the surface as I analyze everything that Im feeling.
People tell me how to feel and what to think when I am down on the ground. I am surrounded by people who think they run my life. My roof is the only place where I can shut all that out. I love the people I am surrounded by- but I need to love myself and be true to my own feelings. During the day I turn my feelings and thoghts away- because they dont matter. They dont matter because everything else seems far more important to everyone else.
People are people and none of them will ever truely understand you or anyone else. The only person in the entire world that you fully could understand is yourself. So when I am on top of the world my only goal is to try to figure myself out more and more. Because the more I know myself- the more other people dont matter. This blog is for me. Its not for anyone else- not for anyone else's thoughts. This blog is to help me literally climb to realization of myself and my life.
I’m worrying about how much sleep I will get tonight. I am
thinking of all the homework I have to get done by third period. What’s for
dinner? Am I free Saturday night? What am I going to wear on Tuesday? I am worrying
about Prom- even though it’s still a week away. I can’t wait to wear the dress
that makes me feel like a princess, but I know I’d rather wear leggings and a
big t shirt with my hair falling out of my pony tail. I know I’m going to be
wishing I was in sneakers. And I am going to be wishing I wasn’t strapped to my
date the whole night- I’m not really the mushy romantic type- id rather be
dancing with everyone like I didn’t have to impress. I wish I could just dance
and no one would judge me if I was uncoordinated. I can’t wait for my hair to
grow longer. I can’t wait for college. I think about packing up and moving-
even though I don’t have to until September. I hope I have enough money to go
through college. I can’t wait to graduate. Wait. What? Stop. Graduation is in a
month and I am going to be wishing high school had lasted longer. I am going to
be wishing I kissed more boys. I am going to be wishing I had time back on the
dance floor with my…”prince?”. I am going to regret staying mad at my sister
for taking my shirt to college. I am going to be wishing I spent more time with
my family. I am going to regret worrying about fitting in during high school. I
am going to wish I studied harder. 
But you know what? During this post I have lived in the
future and the past. But not once I was happy about the present I was living
in. regrets make life miserable. They hold you back and won’t allow you to more
on and keep moving forward. Regrets are the things that keep you In the past. Yet
wishes are things of the future that are sometimes hard to control. Just let it
happen. Just let life happen without regrets and to learn to live in the
present. I realize that’s why high school went by so fast. I always had something
to look forward to- but I never lived in the present. I want to enjoy high
school and what’s left of it. I need to stop worrying about graduation and
college- and just focus on the time I have right now. Cause there’s not much of
it left. 
Running with the grass beneath palms of my feet. The moon
light is enough light in contrast to the thick darkness surrounding me. There is
always light above-even when it seems dim. I chase fireflies and put those
wishes in my jar. I can only see the
fireflies when I am unable to see anything else. 
Empty your jar of
wishes and fill it with hopes.
I am dreaming of a stranger. But who knows, I could meet you
today or when I’m thirty. Our love will be far from perfect. But we love each
other and that’s all we need to make sure it works. I haven’t experienced being
in love- but dreaming isn’t a crime. 
