Butt is a Bad Word

“No!No!We dont say shut up in this family". We don’t say stupid either. Or butt. Idiot. brat. Fart. Dumb. Crap. Freakin flippin eff. oh and we don’t say pee either.

Wow that really let my steam off.... my mom would be so disappointed in this post.

i think my parents went a little over the top when they decided the words we could and could not say in this family. I think my parent’s rules on language are STUPID (I said it). But because they are so strict on language my family is very good and knowing what to say- when to say it. We have complete control. That word doesn’t just slip out unless you let it.

Rules are stupid- because we are stupid. I don’t appreciate rules until I know why. And finding the why’s to rules happens through time and experience.

My Sheild of Fears

I have a fear of losing my hair. A fear of opening the Pillsbury crescent rolls cans. I fear of a seagull pooping on my head. I have a fear of being awkward. I have a fear of the “hobo living in my basement”. I fear lady gaga. But these fears are dumb ones.  They don’t mean anything. Even though they are some of my fears- I don’t REALLY fear them.

The only things that I truly am fearful towards are permanent, heart wrenching, scaring, life changes. This is the kind of fear that I haven’t yet experienced- but that’s why I am so afraid. I fear of waking up one day finding out my dad passed away. I fear of receiving the news that someone close to me committing suicide. I fear natural disasters that destroy everything I have and everything that I am. I fear not being happy in life- being disappointed in myself. I have a fear of being abused- and being trapped. I have a fear of being betrayed.  I am afraid of losing things I take for granted .I am not really afraid of  seagull poop and Lady gaGa when I think about everything that COULD go wrong in my future.

My fears protect me. I am grateful for my fears.  

 

 

 

Scabs, Scars, and Bruises

I fell hard. When I hit rock bottom I looked up and saw people who I wanted to be so I got up with them. Pretending to be strong. I looked around to see if anyone saw me fall flat. Nope, coast is clear. No one knew I fell except me. I still see those scabs, scars, and bruises even if no one else does. The thing about scars is that each one on our body has a story behind it. Those stories are reminders to never make the same mistakes. My neighbor played with a rattle snake and got bit. He has a scar on his wrist. He learned from that mistake and so did I. I need those bruises to remind me to guard myself of dangerous situations and dangerous relationships.  How do I know you won’t hurt me? Why do you deserve my friendship? Why do you deserve my love? Why do you deserve my trust? But that’s the beauty of it. I need Scabs. I need scars. And I need bruises because I need to find out for myself who to trust with my heart. Scabs, scars, and bruises are necessary for life- because we need to learn and progress.

In My Head

In my head I pretend life is beautiful. In my head I pretend I am beautiful. In my head I can do anything. But in reality life isn’t really beautiful, and neither am I. I cant do anything.

Pretending and thinking differently than life really is- makes life BEAUTIFUL. Even if you aren’t. You need to think that way- because you are.

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

You are talented.

You are courageous.

You are strong.

You are valiant.

You are extraordinary.

You are you, and you are beautiful.


But you are only these things when you think you are.
 

Don’t let your head or the world tell you otherwise.

You are your own worst critic.

I think my life is beautiful. And it is because I think so.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks except for you because you control your own happiness. Let the freak go of everything. Don’t think about what everyone is telling you to think. Stop being a prisoner. Steal the key and run. Run away from doubts and fears. I think I am beautiful. And I think I have a beautiful life- and so do you… so run to it….

 

Validation

This video is a little long, but just watch it. You wont regret it.

it will make your day and change your perspective.

Why cant there be more people like him? This is the way to live life.

Slow Dancing in the Kitchen

Have I met you yet? Have we ever been in the same city at one time? Or even lived in the same hometown, yet I still don’t know your name. Timing is everything- time can either ruin or strengthen relationships. I haven’t met you yet because it’s not the right time. I am counting the days until I meet you. I pray for your safety and for your happiness. I dream of dancing in the kitchen of our run down first apartment. I dream of getting into fights- but resolving it with kisses and laughter, we won’t be able to go too long being mad at each other.  I dream of spying on you as you put our little girls to bed- singing hushed lullabies as they doze off. I dream of staining your work shirt with tears as you encompass me in your arms because of my sorrows and despairs.  I dream of our little slugger’s first t-ball game with you and I in the stands with the blanket wrapped around us as we cheer him on. I dream of us saving every extra nickel to travel the world. I dream of covering your dinner in tin foil and setting it in the fridge until you got home from a long day at work. I dream of being forty and still having tickle fights with you. I dream you dancing your little princess at her wedding. I dream of praying on the side of our bed holding your hands as we ask for blessings and give thanks for everything we’ve been blessed with. But knowing the blessing I’m most thankful for being in love with my best friend.  And the wonderful life we live. I dream of finding new reasons to love you every day. I dream of getting old with you and still holding your hand as we drive across town.

 I am dreaming of a stranger. But who knows, I could meet you today or when I’m thirty. Our love will be far from perfect. But we love each other and that’s all we need to make sure it works. I haven’t experienced being in love- but dreaming  isn’t a crime.

I Don't Love you, But I Always Will.

Some people say love is blind. But I believe its quite the opposite. Love is visionary. I see something more real and deeper in that one person. If you really love someone- you love them for their flaws and imperfections. The difference between loving someone and being in love with someone is night and day. “I don’t love you, but I always will”-Civil Wars. I love you. But I am not in love with you. I see past your flaws- I love you for who you are. Yet you will only accept the love you think you deserve.  I will always love you, and nothing will ever change that. I hate that you are blind. I hate that you don’t understand what both you and I deserve. I hate you for loving me. And I hate myself for loving you. But I always will and nothing will change that. I don’t love you because I want you. I love you only because I know you and our friendship means everything to me. 

Spectators.

Do you ever have dreams where you are the one watching YOURSELF getting mauled by a bear or watching yourself kiss your crush in the middle of a baseball diamond as rain drops landed on your eyelashes? Sometimes I wish that in reality I could be the spectator or my own life. I wish I could be the one both in the game and the spectator. Spectators see everything- they have a completely different perspective than you do.

I have so many spectators in my life that have a different perspective than I do, and I’m confused on whom to listen to…should I listen to myself? Or the spectators who might see more than meet the eye? I have two different kinds of spectators in my life. First crowd= they are the ones who are there for me. They say what I want to hear. They might even be clueless to what’s going on in the game- but they are very aware of me and what I want them to say. They are there to support me. On the other hand the second crowd are the ones who are brutally honest with me. They see every aspect of the game. They are the ones screaming at me from the sidelines to open my eyes and keep them on the ball after a lousy mistake. They are the ones who are fully invested in me and in the game. They say what I NEED to hear, even if I don’t agree with them- their opinions are what I need to value.

Even though I wish I could get a new perspective, be my own spectator, and see all blindsides. It’s impossible. While I am in the game I only see out of my own eyes, no one else’s. But I just have to remember there is an empire in this game that is all knowing. The empire is the most important spectator of all.  He sees both sides of the field, he knows black from white. He knows what’s coming in your future- he knows what you need. All I have to do is focus on the purpose of this game and on Him.