What Happened to the Present?

                                              

I’m worrying about how much sleep I will get tonight. I am thinking of all the homework I have to get done by third period. What’s for dinner? Am I free Saturday night? What am I going to wear on Tuesday? I am worrying about Prom- even though it’s still a week away. I can’t wait to wear the dress that makes me feel like a princess, but I know I’d rather wear leggings and a big t shirt with my hair falling out of my pony tail. I know I’m going to be wishing I was in sneakers. And I am going to be wishing I wasn’t strapped to my date the whole night- I’m not really the mushy romantic type- id rather be dancing with everyone like I didn’t have to impress. I wish I could just dance and no one would judge me if I was uncoordinated. I can’t wait for my hair to grow longer. I can’t wait for college. I think about packing up and moving- even though I don’t have to until September. I hope I have enough money to go through college. I can’t wait to graduate. Wait. What? Stop. Graduation is in a month and I am going to be wishing high school had lasted longer. I am going to be wishing I kissed more boys. I am going to be wishing I had time back on the dance floor with my…”prince?”. I am going to regret staying mad at my sister for taking my shirt to college. I am going to be wishing I spent more time with my family. I am going to regret worrying about fitting in during high school. I am going to wish I studied harder.

 

But you know what? During this post I have lived in the future and the past. But not once I was happy about the present I was living in. regrets make life miserable. They hold you back and won’t allow you to more on and keep moving forward. Regrets are the things that keep you In the past. Yet wishes are things of the future that are sometimes hard to control. Just let it happen. Just let life happen without regrets and to learn to live in the present. I realize that’s why high school went by so fast. I always had something to look forward to- but I never lived in the present. I want to enjoy high school and what’s left of it. I need to stop worrying about graduation and college- and just focus on the time I have right now. Cause there’s not much of it left.

Did It Hurt?

He stands there like a king high on his throne 
looking down on the rest of us thinking he can go around
shattering our esteem and crushing my heart.
little does he know i cringe when he smiles.
not because hes happy, but because
I used to be- when he looked and noticed me.
I realize I've been blind, but now i see.
i just want to know,
did it hurt him just as much as it hurt me?


that king didn't really notice me- you did.
it was you who cared and comforted.
it was you who was at the bottom of the food chain.
I should have listened to you.
I was better for you- but you weren't better for me.
I know I have to break your heart like he broke mine,
but its not easy.
its harder breaking than being broken.


I know you better than anyone else.
                       it hurts more knowing it hurts you.


the king made it look so easy- easy being heartless.
but i'm not a king, I know how it feels to be under the stampede.
please stop looking at me like I am a queen-
I don't deserve it- knowing my on us views are unchanged. 

Black Out Poetry

please remember, be kind regardless of frustration and imperfection.

under my skin was light

"It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed. "(Billy Collins)

 

 

a list of confessions

#1 when i wrote the title i accidentley wrote congestion instead of confession... okay here we go, a
 LIST OF CONFESSIONS (or quirks-- same thing)
(not even my mom knows about any of these...)

• my dad makes better sandwiches than my mom- by far.
•  i pop my knuckles and bony toes before i climb into bed.
• i am scared to read out loud in front of people
•  when i was little i would sneak play dough into my closet and eat it.
• i still haven't washed the shirt i wore when we went our first and probably only date... its been 4 months. but i haven't wore it either. 
•  i find big ears cute--- something that shouldn't be attractive but is.
•  i have to brush my teeth with warm water
•  I cried when i saw the car in front of me hit a deer.
• I kissed your head when we were playing in the snow
•  i hate white bread
•  i am self conscious of my eyebrows
•  i think sneezing is the cutest thing.
•  i cried driving home that night when i lied to you that everything was okay. i cried because i didn't want you to know you were the cause. 
• my sister eats kit kats wrong... but i don't have the heart to tell her.
• my collarbones hurt when i laugh too hard- wired huh? i probably have a disease or something.
• when a situation gets awkward i tend to dance or wiggle.
• i am a water snob. clean water doesn't always mean it tastes good.
•  
•  
• anyways... yeah....**awkward wiggle.

smile- you are loved just because.

dont let your paint chip.

the stranded, helpless, and forgotten.
this chair is only forgotten because everything around it is dead and barren.
the chair waits patiently for the blossoms to bloom to accompany him.
the chair is alone.
yet once the sun shines and the grass regains life- this chair will also regain life.
its not lonely anymore.

how often are we willing to patiently wait for others to change?
this chair is still bright blue and the paint seems fresh.
even with the cold, hard, dry ground.
the chair still stands.
nothing about the chair will change in the spring and summer- but its the surroundings that will.
this chair may seem more vibrant when the grass is greener...or the sun is brighter.

be patient and wait. be patient with your surroundings to become as bright as you are. don't allow the wind and rain to chip your paint.