Hesitation

Hesitation. I have mastered hesitation. I hesitate every time I'm sitting at the drive thru- even though I already know what I'm going to order. Hesitation before I boldly walk up to him to say hi knowing I'm too awkward to say anything else. I then find a reason to leave because I will hesitate doing anything but leaving the situation. I  Hesitate before I sing hymns  in church just to make sure everyone else is singing so I wasn't the only one suffering through the monotone mumbles of the congregation.there is a hesitation before I do something brave- because I know the possibility and the reality of failure.  I hesitate before jumping into the icy lake knowing the consequences. My toes stretch to touch the top of the water then I decide its not worth it. Hesitation before I try something new. Something new that might damage my pride and leave me vulnerable. Something new that leaves me broken and lost.Hesitation before being honest. i don't want to hesitate, i just do. Being honest with you is hard not because I'm a liar but because sometimes I'm not a fan of reality. Because sometimes reality hurts and tears people apart. Hesitation. Doubts. Unsurities . And Insecurities. These are real. Real because they make us human. They make us who we are. And this I who I am- even though I strive to not be hesitant. Evan let me be honest, bold, and brave. I hesitate to let go her, because Evan let me be someone who I wasn't.  So Evan taught me this trick of being blunt and honest. So here it goes, kids. My name is Shaelie Wood and I am behind the bold curtain of Evan Lindstrom.

Why do we feel that it's not worth it? Not worth it because of failure. Guess what- it's worth it. Life is worth being honest to yourself. And life is worth being brave and bold.  And Life is worth it because it could be gone within a matter of seconds. Thanks Evan. 

Children Get Older

This is the last post from Evan Lindstrom. Its been real...

For my last entry i want to do it for me- people may not relate or like this post. Here is a list of my childhood memories. Getting older is a rough life, graduating is exciting, yet depressing. so lets toast to growing up-- i hate you, love me :)

• all stars soccer team
• cousins club every friday night
•  french braids
•  junnie b jones
• trampolines
• skorts
• razor scooter
• alpine elementary
• Disney Channel
•  Jr jazz
• kholers kids day
• I hated swimming lessons, but i loved going because of my attractive swimming teacher Jonathon Barlow.
•  talking into fans
•  tube socks with ruffels
• arthur
• polly pockets
• gas station slushies
• visors
• throwing otter-pop wrappers underneath our trampoline in the ground.
•  monkey bars blisters
•  Crush on Matt Zwick 1st grade to 4th. Even though i was a foot taller than him.
• full house 
•  Heber cabin, snowmobiling
•  piano lessons with aunt Lori
• sledding down cemetery hill
•  beanie babies
• hiding under my bed
• jetsons
• peppermint place
• brittany spears
• vcr's
• jump ropes and skip-its
•  mary kate and ashley
•  grandparents farm in Idaho
•  blockbuster
•  chicken pox teddy bear
• my neglected guinea pig, buddy
• "wish"flowers
• making bank on lemonade stands
• turtle necks
• American fork library
•  Hilary duff
•  loosing my tooth at brielle's house
•  wearing my purple bike helmet everywhere
•  The blue park
•  
•  
• etc etc ect

Homeade Peach Ice Cream on Sunburned Lips.

I remember talking with God. Picking my mom out. I told God what I needed- but it was useless cause he already knew. I asked him to bless me with a mother of courage and strength. An angel that learns for her past and becomes more and more like you every day. A mother of gentleness and forgiveness. I remember telling him I really needed a patient mother, a mother to chase me up the stairs threatening to tickle me if I didn't do the dishes fast enough. I pleaded to have a mother of charity. A mother who was a mother to everyone. I remember asking god to give me a beautiful one. Because happiest ones are always the most beautiful. "God? I really need a mother who is understanding and comforting." I said. I remember God smiling back at me and saying, "sweet child, she is. I have prepared her well, and she's perfect." I asked for a mother that was the most like me. I wanted a mom that would be my best friend. I wanted a mother that I could trust- an honest mother that taught me and my sisters integrity. I want a mother that I want to be like. I am not ashamed, or disapointed in what god picked out for me. God chose a mother far beyond my expectations- I couldn't have made or chosen the mother I was thinking of. Only god could. God knew what I needed  even though I tried reminding him before I came here. He knew what I would face in this life and e he knew the perfect mother to accompany me.
As God looks down through the ceiling of our home he smiles and wraps his arm around his daughter, my beautiful mother and says. "Sweet child, I am proud of you. You are becoming the exact mother I intended for you." He smiles as he looks down and sees my mother wipe tears from her daughters cheeks when we are heartbroken. When her kids are giggling in the bathtub as she lathers are backs in baby soap. God smiles when we are singing around the piano praises of his name. He smiles when we have learned a lesson. He smiles when we come running when we smell her homeade wheat bread. He smiles when she burries our toes in the sand. God smiles when we embrace our mom in her arms and tell her thank you. Thank you for being you. He smiles because it only happens once in a while. My mother deserves everything and more. She will inherit heaven.
I love my mom more than I love homeade peach ice cream on sunburned lips. I love her more than I love dancing barefoot in wet grass. More than I love snowflakes on my eyelashes. I love her more than anything. God knew what mother I needed- and she's more than I ever imagined. Only a God could create mothers. And I hope to be a a fraction of what my mom is. I love you mom. I pray to God every night thanking him for blessing me with a mother like you.

He's In Mongolia Tonight.

I sat in my bed reading- waiting for my eyelids to get heavy enough to close. When I heard my dad's calm and comforting voice  from downstairs. I ran downstairs to find it was just a voice memo on my moms iPhone of my dad telling one of his childhood stories to my little sisters as they dozed off. they couldn't fall asleep until they heard their daddy's voice and listened one of his exaggerated stories. I laid down beside them and listened too. there is nothing more that I love than one of his stories. I probably should have grown out of loving my dads humor along with his songs and stories by now. I secretly sit behind my little sister's door when hes home telling one of his classics. For he is in Mongolia tonight. and tomorrow he will be in Taiwan. And 2 weeks ago he was in Russia and France. He is doing his job and has the opportunity to travel to places hes always wanted to. when hes lucky, my mom will join him. but not tonight- because she has a job to do as well.

his voice is all I need to know he loves me. his warm hugs and smile. His eyes that glisten when he is trying not to laugh. his sincere and understanding heart. his head bobbing while he sings "come on Eileen". his squeaky shoes on the basketball court when he is running drills with us. his time he spends with each one of his daughters and date nights with mom. when he calls me to get up for school with his cheesy "up and at-um!". His creative and artistic skills when he colors during church with the four year old.

Tonight his voice put me to sleep and I pretended he was tucking me in like a taco like he used to when I was small. 

truth is even when he has to be gone- hes not really. he still calls and gives me advice and tells my mom he loves her more than anything. and when he gets home, its like he was never gone. He kisses my mom and wraps all of us girls in his arms. i never doubt his love. and i never doubt that he is the best dad in the world.

When I heard my dads voice tonight, i realized that a voice is all i need. I can call a higher father along with my own dad. Not only does he love me like my dad- but he knows me better than I know myself. That father knows whats in store for me and what I need to be prepared for. but my dad is his sidekick keeping me in order and showing that I am loved. We all are. and I know that both my fathers are 100% aware of me.
So i give a shout out to my dad in Mongolia tonight. Cause he is the best at what he does. See you in a week, I love you Dad!

**(don't worry mom, i am working on a dynamite mothers day post for you. ;)

"How to" not let expectations ruin reality

This scene in the movie "500 Days of Summer" is one of my favorite scenes in this movie because the format and the way they portrayed Tom and his disappointment. It exposes Tom's expectations and thoughts. But also shows the reality of his relationship with Summer.

Expectations Ruin Reality.
 

I expected  him to grab my shoulder and pull me in for a hug-

 yet in reality i pretended not to see him.

 i didnt want him to ruin my night-- 

i was done with being disappointed and hurt. 

                                                                     

I expected her to call, she knew i was going through

                                                                             rough patches, but i should have called cause so was she.

                                                                            but in reality we were both self centered and we

                                                                              both waited by the phone. helplessly. 

I expected to get stickers or race car

in the bottom of my lucky charms. but in reality

I got jipped. not so Lucky after all.

I expected you to remember

cause i thought we were best friends

but in reality, that phrase "Best friends"

 gets thrown around too much.

I expected my dad to come running

when I screamed because there was a spider in our kitchen,

but in reality he expected me to grow up

and smash it with my little sisters bright purple croc. by myself.

I expected that purple rubber croc to squish the spider

that croc let me down, the spider got away. 

I knew i expected too much out of that 

ugly pointless shoe. I'm embarrassed for my little sister. 

 

I expected my mom to be disappointed and mad

when i came in long after curfew.

yet in reality she knew something was wrong 

and wrapped me in her loving arms. she was there

for me and she always will be.

I expected my teacher to careless about me,

i expected her to be disappointed and embarrassed.

yet in reality she cared for me like one of her own daughters.

she gave me advice to be more confident-

she told me not to let others shoot me down,

she told me to realize how important i am.

I am far from perfect, so why do i think its okay for me to criticize everyone when they disappoint me? so that's the trick everybody. realize. realize that people will be disappointed in me because i won't live up to their expectations. but also realize that when you have little or no expectations you will be pleasantly surprised and happier. you will feel appreciation for the little things. when in reality are the big things.

Don't expect things from people if they cant expect the same from you. step it up- be better and expect less.

Shout Out's and Thank You's

Shout out To the girl I feel honored to know, you are the closest thing to an angel. You dance when you walk and no one has the power or presence to take your smile away. Thank you for your great example- I want to be you because you want to be like Him.

S/O To the kid that hates eating in front of people and secretly wants to be a professional singer--Thank you for being honest. And telling me what I need to hear. Thanks for being my brother- I’m glad I don’t have to lose you like everyone else.

 

S/O To the Blondie that ran into my screen door—thanks for making me smile. You will always be my best friend no matter what comes next, don’t listen to the haters… they’re just jealous. Don’t let anyone take your light away. Thanks for dancing even when you feel like you can’t :) you are so positive and happy- but I know when you’re not okay, just know that I will always be here for you bud

 

S/O to the kid that used to be a tool—I am a fan of the new you. Thanks for being so genuine and aware. That late Sunday night when we laid on my hard kitchen floor laughing till it hurt- we should have been working but it was too late to be doing anything else but laughing. Thanks for showing me how a girl needs to be treated.

 

S/O To my cat. Thank you for living so long. Even though I joke about you dying- I don’t mean it…thanks for not listening. I should be more sensitive.

 

S/O To the hot and dangerous freckled little lady. Thank you for being real.  You can look into my eyes and I feel like you are staring into my soul- I can’t hide anything from you. You have the talent of getting close to people. Thank you for loving people and having the desire to know them. You know them by their hearts, not just facts. Thank you for being you and being proud of it.

 

S/O To my baby friend who I don’t even call her by her real name. Thanks for being you. You have taught me to not be defined by the people who you are surrounded by, but to be defined by your desires and by your heart. Thanks for being so easy to talk to. I consider you as one of my best friends even though I am still getting to know you.

S/O To the eyes of a guy who stares at the floor. I feel honored to know the real you- the you that rarely gets exposed. You are one of the guys that I will miss the most- thank you for opening up to me. You make me feel so comfortable and so loved. Thank you- I needed it.

 

S/O To the deep and tender kid that used to run his fingers through my hair. Everything about you I have learned to appreciate and love. You manage to make everyone feel like a million bucks. Even though you are growing distant- I will always look up to you, and strive to find someone like you. Thank you.

S/O To my twin who is giggly and has the “same arm” as me…haha Thank you for loving me and my quirks. You are beautiful inside and out. You wear that golden necklace- because you are proud of your beliefs. Thank you for being so strong and honorable. You are one of the few that understand me, thank you. We walked down those shiny streets whispering about our lives and sharing secrets no one else knows. You are the most trustworthy person I know, thank you.

 

S/O To my second family. I love you guys, thank you for being so reliable. I know whenever I am having a hard day either at home or school I can come running. Thank you for being loving and accepting. I am sorry what your family has gone through this year and I am grateful that even through hard times- you haven’t changed. I’m sorry I am drifting lately- it’s for the better, its already hard enough.

 S/O To the bullies at jr high that think my sister is a target. Thank you for letting me spend time with my little sister at home on Friday nights. You guys have opened my eyes to her. So… thank you?...

S/O To the 2 golden boys that sandwich me in their arms. Thank you for becoming my examples. You are both so genuine and thoughtful. Thanks for picking me up when I’m down and telling me to smile during sad dolphin movies. Thank you for being lights in this dark world, I love you both!

S/O To my basketball coach who taught me to “stick my hand in the cookie jar”. Thanks for always believing in me and showing me myself. I walked out of your office with tears in my eyes knowing I am loved and am aware of. Thank you for telling me what I need to hear. Thank you for seeing me through sincere and loving eyes. I appreciate how frank you are. Thank you.

S/O To little Em-- Your mom misses you and loves you so so much. I am sorry this had to happen to you. I feel honored to be one of the many women in your life that are making up for your mother. You are a saint and I love you dearly. I worry and cry for you often, thank you for your hugs and kisses on the forehead; you are a sweet little angel sent down for a lot of us. Thank you.

 

Thank you.

What Happened to the Present?

                                              

I’m worrying about how much sleep I will get tonight. I am thinking of all the homework I have to get done by third period. What’s for dinner? Am I free Saturday night? What am I going to wear on Tuesday? I am worrying about Prom- even though it’s still a week away. I can’t wait to wear the dress that makes me feel like a princess, but I know I’d rather wear leggings and a big t shirt with my hair falling out of my pony tail. I know I’m going to be wishing I was in sneakers. And I am going to be wishing I wasn’t strapped to my date the whole night- I’m not really the mushy romantic type- id rather be dancing with everyone like I didn’t have to impress. I wish I could just dance and no one would judge me if I was uncoordinated. I can’t wait for my hair to grow longer. I can’t wait for college. I think about packing up and moving- even though I don’t have to until September. I hope I have enough money to go through college. I can’t wait to graduate. Wait. What? Stop. Graduation is in a month and I am going to be wishing high school had lasted longer. I am going to be wishing I kissed more boys. I am going to be wishing I had time back on the dance floor with my…”prince?”. I am going to regret staying mad at my sister for taking my shirt to college. I am going to be wishing I spent more time with my family. I am going to regret worrying about fitting in during high school. I am going to wish I studied harder.

 

But you know what? During this post I have lived in the future and the past. But not once I was happy about the present I was living in. regrets make life miserable. They hold you back and won’t allow you to more on and keep moving forward. Regrets are the things that keep you In the past. Yet wishes are things of the future that are sometimes hard to control. Just let it happen. Just let life happen without regrets and to learn to live in the present. I realize that’s why high school went by so fast. I always had something to look forward to- but I never lived in the present. I want to enjoy high school and what’s left of it. I need to stop worrying about graduation and college- and just focus on the time I have right now. Cause there’s not much of it left.